You Need It When


Just In Time

Time is the fire in which we burn.

- Gene Roddenberry

bulletThis is a special calendar which has been developed for handling rush jobs.  All rush jobs are wanted yesterday.  With this calendar a client can order his work on the 7th and have it delivered on the 3rd.
bulletEveryone wants his job by Friday so there are three Fridays in each week.
bulletThere are eight new days at the end of the month for those end-of-the-month jobs.
bulletThere is no 1st of the month - so there can't be late delivery of end-of-the-month jobs on the 1st.
bulletA "blue Monday" or Monday morning hangover can't happen as all Mondays have been eliminated.
bulletThere are no bothersome unproductive Saturdays or Sundays.
bulletWith no 15th, 30th or 31st, no time off is necessary for cashing salary cheques or paying bills.
bulletMirday is a special day added each week for performing miracles.

Source: Mackenzie College Newsletter Fairlie, South Island, New Zealand

Weird Deaths

Attila the Hun was one of the most notorious villains in history, conquering all of Asia by 450 AD - from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire - by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.  How he died:  He got a nosebleed on his wedding night...  In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico.  Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets.  On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink.  Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice.  He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.

An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century, Tycho Brahe's ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.  How he died:  Didn't get to the bathroom in time...  In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over.  Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition - but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started.  He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused.  His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11 days.

Horace Wells pioneered the use of anæsthesia in the 1840s.  How he died:  He used anæsthetics to commit suicide...  While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia research, Wells became addicted to chloroform.  In 1848 he was arrested for spraying two women with sulphuric acid.  In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for his problems, claiming that he'd gotten high before the attack.  Four days later he was found dead in his cell.  He'd anæsthetised himself with chloroform and slashed open his thigh with a razor.

One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century was Francis Bacon, a statesman, philosopher, writer, and scientist; he was even rumoured to have written some of Shakespeare's plays.  How he died:  He stuffed snow into a chicken...  One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used.  Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it.  The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.

Jerome Irving Rodale was the founding father of the organic food movement, creator of Organic Farming and Gardening magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.  How he died:  On the "Dick Cavett Show", Rodale discussed the benefits of organic foods...  Rodale bragged, "I'm going to live to be 100 unless I'm run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver."  He was 72 when he appeared on the show in January 1971.  Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair.  Cause of death: heart attack.  The show was never aired.

Aeschylus was a Greek playwright in 500BC.  Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.  How he died:  An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head...  According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks.  An eagle mistook Aeschylus' head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.

Jim Fixx was the author of the best selling Complete Book of Running, which started the jogging craze of the 1970s.  How he died:  Fixx had a heart attack while jogging...  He was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging.  He'd only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary.  His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked - and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.

Lully, a 16th-century composer, wrote music for the king of France.  How he died:  While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating time with his staff, and drove it right through his foot.  He died of infection.

Source: The web

What Is the Significance of These Statements?

Never odd or even.
No lemon, no melon.

Norma is as selfless as I am, Ron.
Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?
Rise to vote, Sir.

"Yo, Banana Boy!"

Anne, I vote more cars race Rome to Vienna.

Answer This...

You are the bus driver.  At your first stop, you pick up 29 people.  On your second stop, 18 of those 29 people get off, and at the same time 10 new passengers arrive.  At your next stop, 3 of those 10 passengers get off, and 13 new passengers come on.  On your fourth stop 4 of the remaining 10 passengers get off, 6 of those new 13 passengers get off as well, then 17 new passengers get on.  What is the colour of the bus driver's eyes?


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